Disability and Progress-June 5,2025- Rising Above Adversity Healing and Nurturing Your Inner Child

[00:00:00] Speaker A: KPI.org. [00:00:58] Speaker B: Greetings and thank you for joining Disability in Progress where we bring you insights into ideas about and discussions on disability topics. My name is Sam. I'm the host of the show. Thanks so much for tuning in. Charlene Dahl is my research PR person. Hello Charlene. [00:01:13] Speaker C: Hello everybody on this gorgeous summer day. [00:01:16] Speaker B: It is indeed, at least in our part of the world. And want to remind you if you want to hear our archives or our podcasts, you can ask your smart speaker to do that. We are podcasted and so these go pretty quickly. Thank you to Aaron who is our podcaster. And also so if you want to get our emailings that come out each week to say who's coming up, you can email [email protected] and we'll be happy to email that to you also. If that wasn't enough, one more thing. This next Thursday we're going to be speaking with Waymo. Waymo is a self driving cabs as everybody may or may not know. And so if you out there have questions, you can email me [email protected] and ask any of the burning questions you've been thinking about asking Waymo about their self driving cabs. But this week we are in the studio and speaking with author Aurelius Kelkins who is talking about her book Rising above adversity, Healing and nurturing your inner child. Hello. [00:02:37] Speaker A: Hi, how are you? [00:02:38] Speaker B: Very good. Thank you so much for coming on. Don't worry, the video doesn't go over the air so just our great voices so you can just. But I do think they turned the camera on just in case you wanted to see us. [00:02:54] Speaker A: I love the fact that I can see you. Absolutely. Thank you so much. It's a pleasure. [00:02:58] Speaker B: Thank you. It was very nice to meet you and I wanted to have you. So we're going to be talking about your book. Can you give us a little bit of history of why you decided to write a book? Is this your first book and if so, why did you decide to write. [00:03:19] Speaker A: Is my first book. It's one of many because I just love writing. What guided me to write this book? It's noticing how much we as humans suffer through due to the lack of understanding. We take everything way too personal. We don't understand why people do the things we do, why relationships aren't working out. While we can find the right career, the right partner, and we don't feel happy on the inside, we get stuck in life without the proper understanding. So through psychology, I'm explaining, I wrote the book with my life story. [00:03:58] Speaker B: Yes, you did. [00:04:03] Speaker A: And I'm speaking from the moment I was in my mother's womb all the way up until when I was 49, when it was. When the book was published. Everything that has happened, my successes, my failures. And through psychology, I'm explaining the reasons why those things happen that way. Why we need to set limits when we're not feeling comfortable in a place or with a group or a person. Why boundaries are so important to cultivate healthy relationships. And through spirituality. No, religion. Spirituality. Lighting the path to forgiveness. To understanding. And they just forgive because it's just part of what it was. There was absolutely nothing anyone could have done differently to change the course of our lives. It's just what happened. We were supposed to rise with every. Everything that was burden to us is supposed to be a blessing. So this is what my book is about. [00:05:08] Speaker B: You have your family prominently featured in the book. I was just wondering, do they know they're in the book? [00:05:18] Speaker A: I'm wondering if they know that, too. I'm wondering if they know I wrote a book. I told my mother last time I spoke with her, I was writing a book. So I don't know if they changed their names. Oh, did you? [00:05:32] Speaker B: Okay, good idea. All right. I was curious to know, like, what you would do, you know, when somebody. Because this is. This book is a fabulous book, but it's very. It really talks about painful situations that you went through and very difficult ones and how you, again, rose above them. Can you talk a little bit about the process of what you went through when you decided to write, you know, when you were going to write this book? What was the process like? How long did it take you? How did you decide what you would put in it? Things like that. [00:06:15] Speaker A: I'm getting chills through my body with this question because I absolutely love it. I cannot wait to answer it for you. So my husband plays hockey, and every time he went to hack on a Thursday, say to him, I'm going to write tonight. And I said to him, I'm going to. I'm going to write a book. But it's a thought that I have had over the years. I'm one of those people that doesn't matter who it is. It can be a stranger that I've never seen in my life. They would just approach me and tell me their entire life stories. And I could usually relate to what they were talking about. And I would think to myself, wow, I could write a book. And the people that came my way. They tell me their life stories. I'm like, wow. And look how chaotic, you know, their lives are because they don't understand what's going on within, you know, themselves. They don't understand what these actions and these words are causing to their minds and bodies and where they're being stored. And then we don't know how to handle ourselves and we lose our relationships and our happiness with that. So I. Watching the world suffer as much as I do gave me the courage to say, you know what? I love to give others a voice to understand that it's okay that those things happen. We don't need to stay quiet or feel embarrassed because they did. It's okay to speak about it because if we don't, we're not going to give a voice to anyone else. And so our world is just going to stay where it is. [00:07:44] Speaker B: Right. Right. How long did you take, like, how. How long did you take to finish. [00:07:50] Speaker A: The book from beginning to end? There was a process of about two years and two months. [00:07:56] Speaker B: Wow. That's actually pretty good for all the stuff that's in it. You know, there's a lot of stuff in it. And I imagine, I remember reading in the book and having you talk about that you were reading some other books that kind of guided you to understand these various things, of why things happened and how you responded and how they responded and how maybe you should have responded, but you didn't know then. [00:08:27] Speaker C: Right. [00:08:28] Speaker A: So I didn't know how to speak. [00:08:30] Speaker B: Right. [00:08:31] Speaker A: My voice was. Was kept inside by the same people that I am speaking about in the book. I was not allowed to speak for fear of people stopping for fear of them. Stop talking to me. So we just take quiet. [00:08:47] Speaker B: So it's interesting. So this type of book that must have been very emotional for you to write. Did you feel like you were like reliving everything all over again when you were writing it? [00:09:04] Speaker A: Absolutely did. Yes, I did. With every story, there were feelings and emotions that led sometimes to me crying, sometimes I vomited, sometimes I got very angry. And I showed emotions I have never shown before. I didn't even know myself sometimes while I was writing the book. [00:09:27] Speaker B: So that's a question I have is, you know, when you. It's so different from when you live in the moment and you're going through it, you're reacting, however you're reacting. And you don't even necessarily think about how you're reacting, like it's an and until later. Right. But then when you're actually writing it down, it's really opening that whole memory. [00:09:52] Speaker A: Right. [00:09:52] Speaker B: And in some cases wound again. So how did you protect yourself from this? You know, I. I can't imagine reliving everything all over again. How did you protect yourself? [00:10:07] Speaker A: Reiki? The. The. The listening of frequency. High frequency sound. My husband and I sleep with high frequen. These sounds. [00:10:16] Speaker C: Bless you. [00:10:20] Speaker A: Burning sage inside my home. Kind of learning how to get rid of the negative energy. Going outside at certain hours of the night with no shoes on, just to ground myself. Praying. Praying to our creator to clarify things for me. And they send this information and help me not feel it so deeply. Right. [00:10:42] Speaker B: How did you decide? I'm sure there were things you didn't include in the book. How did you decide what you were going to and what you weren't? [00:10:55] Speaker A: We had an amazing team that helped with the editing. And at some point he says, but come on, there is enough material here for an amazing book. And I understood the message. So the book would have been almost 400 and something, something pages. So I want to say that I cut it off a good almost 200 pages for sure. And I'm very pleased with the product that it came out of, you know, the summary that I did. But yes, there's a lot of little details that I left unsaid. [00:11:29] Speaker B: Right. And the book is red. Is there a hard copy of the book as well or is it just audio? [00:11:38] Speaker A: There is a paper bag, hardcover. There is a candle and audio. And we're going to be working on translating in Spanish here soon. [00:11:51] Speaker B: Cool. How did you decide who was going to read the book? [00:11:57] Speaker A: I believe that this book is very universal. I believe that this book is for everyone. But it's only going to get to the hands of whomever is ready to receive. It's. It's. It. There's no ages in here. It's just life and how it happens and why it does and how to let it go. [00:12:17] Speaker B: And who's the voice that's reading it. [00:12:21] Speaker A: So her name. [00:12:22] Speaker B: What's her name again? [00:12:23] Speaker A: I forgot her name. We're editing right now. We're in the process of it. [00:12:29] Speaker C: Wow. [00:12:30] Speaker A: I'm going to be playing it, if that's okay with you. [00:12:33] Speaker B: Sure, sure. [00:12:34] Speaker A: The introduction of it is what I chose because it speaks about what the book is. And it's about 10 minutes. [00:12:41] Speaker B: Okay, sure. Yeah. It's. I. I thought it was a great reader. I was really, you know, very, very well. It felt like the reader was really explaining what was going through you. If you. [00:13:01] Speaker C: I agree. [00:13:02] Speaker B: I. I was. I couldn't Put it down. I just kept reading and reading. [00:13:07] Speaker A: Wow, that's amazing. Thank you for sharing your feedback. [00:13:11] Speaker B: That's because I had a lot of trauma in my growing up, too, so. [00:13:15] Speaker A: Oh, of course. And we all do go through those things and we stay quiet for fear of, you know, bothering somebody else's peace. And then we're dying on the inside slowly, without knowing that we are. [00:13:28] Speaker B: So what was the most difficult part of the book for you to write about? [00:13:36] Speaker A: There was a night when things definitely just. I knew that I was never going back to that house. It was the confrontation night. And there was a passage that I read when I got home. I usually open my Bible. And I don't just open my Bible to a passage. I let my creator guide the path to what I need to hear or read that day. And so I did that after my bath. You know, I was suffering on the inside with whatever had been happening that evening. And so I opened my Bible, got in my robe, and I sat in bed and opened that passage. But then. And I kept it open forever because of what it said. But then we moved and I closed my Bible and I couldn't find it. So I couldn't continue writing until I found that passage. So that was the hardest part. [00:14:35] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. And what was your favorite part to write about? [00:14:40] Speaker A: So the name of the woman reading. Her name is Jillian. My apologies, what was your question? [00:14:46] Speaker B: What. What was your favorite part to write about? [00:14:50] Speaker A: My favorite part of the book, it's. It's about forgiveness, understanding, and mindfulness. And also the chapter called Rising Above Adversity. Because it's really what it. And it's a beautiful chapter. It's where the meats and potatoes are already almost over. Sure. There is other stories throughout the entire book, but yes, that's my favorite to the middle of the book. [00:15:18] Speaker B: So Ariella's. I'm wondering if you were to have to describe. You know, you hear that term a lot, an inner child. Like, what is that to you? [00:15:29] Speaker A: To me is that little boy or little girl that was never nurtured or nurtured, that we should always continue to nurture, whether it was nurture or not. It's part of our innocence. It's part of our. It's what really, truly help us just see the little things and enjoy the little things in life that. That inner child. [00:15:55] Speaker B: So I would be interested in having you read or play part of the. The book that you feel like will best introduce our listeners. [00:16:06] Speaker C: I love it. [00:16:07] Speaker A: So this is the introduction of it. Jillian has a beautiful voice and beautiful tone. [00:16:14] Speaker C: I've met many souls in my lifetime. Introduction I have met many souls in my lifetime. Some were lost, some found, some confused, and some just going with the flow. As humans, we hardly stop to think about why we feel as if we frequently have to accomplish more than what is required from us, oftentimes doing things we really don't care to do, focusing on external reason for our happiness, sadness, or lack of success. We are often constantly on the go while causing emotional and physical burnout to our hearts, bodies and minds. The worst part is that when we fail to achieve a goal, we often get critical of ourselves, not knowing that maybe we're just adding unnecessary stress to our already hectic lives. I was one of those souls rushing from work to kids activities, social life events, and home duties, stuck in a circle of confusion, always wondering what this life was about. Are we here to run from one place to the next without true direction? To complete task after task in a way that would make others proud? I first asked this question to Mother when I was 12 years old. She seemed angry at this question, as she would with most things I asked, said, or did. With an upset tone, she told me to go find something productive to do. With this statement in mind and not even knowing what I was doing, I went on a life quest to try to make any sense of this thing called life and why we are here. You see, as children, we're normally allowed to change our moods every second of every day. We cry when we need to, we laugh when we feel like laughing, and we don't worry about judgments or criticism. As we get older, society teaches us conditioning and alternatives. We must always behave in a way that is acceptable. We literally get molded into puppets for the world around us. It starts early. I will get to the bottom of how this happens. Just bear with me, my dear reader. Our parents or caregivers are the first people we meet. They are the first people who look at us with care and treat us with love. Part of their responsibility as caregivers is making us feel safe and cared for. They are in charge of helping mold us into the person we will be later in life. But what happens if our caregiver, our first authority, was not properly equipped to fulfill their parental responsibilities? When we are young, we hardly stop to pay attention to our surroundings. We are busy being children, playing with our friends, going to school, and overall trying to have fun without a care in the world while we learn who we will be when we become adults. Your parent or caregiver may have been filled with love and understanding and if this is your reality, what an amazing blessing. For many of us, the reality was the opposite of love and understanding. We had to perform in ways that were acceptable. As a result of this conditioning taught to us by our caretaker, we become somewhat different from our true selves. We lose our identity and with that, our overall happiness. With this history, we get molded into a Persona that doesn't necessarily help us advance in our overall lives. We struggle with loneliness because we didn't learn how to establish connections with others, suffer from many physical and emotional illnesses, and have a hard time maintaining healthy relationships. Whether it be in friendship, love interest or career. We grow into adulthood with little to no direction as to who we truly are, often performing lines of work and tasks that may not align with our core beliefs, then wondering why we are unsatisfied with the things we do. Imagine you are still a child, running around without a care in the world, simply happy being a kid now. Think of how your view of the world has changed as you have aged, and how adversity may have played a key role on the reasons why your view of the world around you has changed and how you may be a different person since the negative things that have happened in your life. Here's why. As we grow the cruel world does the inevitable the words and actions of our friends and even some family members destroy our self esteem, often creating feelings of inferiority and rejection within our minds and bodies. We easily question our own sanity and the words and actions of others more times than not become our reality. Since we often lack the understanding as to who we truly are, we then learn to be guarded to protect ourselves. I'll give you something to cry about. I brought you into this world and I'll take you out because I said so. Big girls don't cry. Or for guys, men don't cry. These phrases, often told to us by our caretaker, intentionally or not, create feelings of rejection and inferiority within us. These words can make us feel as if we had no rights to to our very valid feelings and emotions. This is how we begin performing, as opposed to freely living. Have your caregivers ever said any of these phrases to you? I am lucky enough to have heard a lot more than that, and then some more. When we grow up in a dysfunctional family unit, we learn to suppress our feelings and emotions. Sadness, anger, frustration, happiness, rejection, inadequacy, betrayal, and so on, and in the process become fearful of interacting with others. We create protective shields around our hearts and minds to keep ourselves safe from the cruelty of this world. This very natural action that our bodies perform to keep us safe would not be so bad if it also did not numb out the positive side of feeling emotions. Emotions help us communicate with others when we feel sad or need help. They also can help us to react quickly during important situations. For example, when you're about to cross the street and a car comes quickly, you jump back onto the curb. In psychology, emotions are believed to be generated by the synchronization of neural networks through the human brain, involving the visual and auditory areas of the brain. Consider this an adaptive response to childhood trauma. It's part of the vital process of normal reasoning and decision making that helps us create walls around ourselves to avoid negative emotions. Although everyone's brains and minds are wired and programmed differently based on each individual's personal experiences, we as humans share similar feelings and emotions in response to similar words and actions. We just often tend to be too preoccupied or self absorbed to understand how our actions make others feel or how the actions of others make us feel. Selfishly or not, our performance in life varies depending on how we perceive the world around us. Without question, we tend more often than not to operate in our daily lives in response to the positive or negative emotions we carry within. As we get busy in life, it can be an easy practice not to notice how a person or place make us feel. Think about the following question for a second. Have you ever been around a group or person and afterwards you felt deflated, angry, sad, frustrated, irritable, anxious, etc. Here is something you must know. Regardless of how differently everyone's brain may be programmed, we all react to and handle different situations in ways that match exactly what we've learned from our parents or caregivers, the people who helped mold us into who we would later be as adults. We learned from them to love because they told us I love you. From this narrative, we also learned how we would be treated by society or how we would treat others on the basis of the way they treated us and themselves. I'm excited to share some real life stories with you, including how coming from a dysfunctional family unit led me to the path of a never ending cascade of emotional disturbance that could have landed me in many dangerous situations for the majority of my life. I'll be sharing my understanding of how we become magnets for emotionally wounded individuals and insatiable people pleasers without boundaries. I will be speaking about the reason why many relationships may not be working out for you and some of the tools I've used to heal my emotionally wounded inner child while exploring many of the personality disorders and mental illnesses affecting our society. I hope that as you read these stories, you feel motivated to share your own and free your heart and mind from any hidden emotional pain caused by trauma and the outside world. [00:26:34] Speaker B: Thank you for that. If you're just tuning into disability and progress, you just heard an excerpt from Rising Above Adversity, healing and nurturing your inner child, hence from the author, Aurelis Kelkins. Well, you had a fairly emotionally difficult relationship with your mother, putting it mildly. But there is an interesting thing. I feel like every culture has their interesting things right? And I think I remember reading that you would ask her to bless you and how it was just a comforting thing when she would do that. Can you talk a little bit about that and what that means? [00:27:26] Speaker C: Sure. [00:27:27] Speaker A: Excuse me. What it means in our culture is it's. I don't know who started it. I just know that was part of our household and it was part of many other households. When you walk in, you say, bless me, mother or father or aunt or uncle or, you know, your elder one. You always ask for the blessings, and the answer is, God bless you, and everything is okay. It's just. It's a habit that makes you feel comfortable. Comfortable. [00:27:56] Speaker B: It's a comfortable thing. [00:27:57] Speaker A: In other words, that's what it means to me. [00:27:59] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:28:00] Speaker B: Yeah. And I remember just reading about that you depended. That was one of the few emotional things that you really depended on and how it was to you when you didn't get that you had several siblings in your family, and unfortunately you lost several siblings to. I'd say one was to some kind of, you know, unfortunate fever or something. But the others were mostly to probably things that they did that led up to, you know, their. Their early demise. I'm wondering, how did you. How did you come out of there as well as you did before you knew everything? How did you. How did you do that? Were you. Do you think you were quieter than the others? So it saved you? What. What was it that helped you come out? [00:29:00] Speaker A: So what saved me is I got baptized when I was 12 years old in the Seventh Day Adventist. I formed my own group of girls, and we resided in. In the altar and we sang and those kind of things. So I love going to church and I love the environment. So what saved me was when I got baptized. I remember receiving that light through my forehead as I was going down the waters, and that light just overtook me, and I feel like it's never left me. It's always been theirs. And the worse that things have happened to me, the brighter it gets. [00:29:40] Speaker B: I. It feels like this, you know, this book, as much as it was interesting, it was somewhat painful and touched some parts in me as well that I recognized that I had to go through. You talk about, you know, a lot of different things, and I think it's amazing that people that. I don't think people understand that abuse is fairly common. And if you are in a certain culture, it's more common than others. And if you're in a family that, where you have a child with a disability, they're actually twice as likely to get some kind of abuse as the regular, quote, average child. You also talk about NLP or neuro linguistic programming. Can you talk about what that is and what it means. [00:30:48] Speaker A: What NLP does? Neuro linguistic programming. What it does is it rewires the way we think with practice. Of course, once we understand that things are just supposed to be that way, then we can go into what is happening to us. Working our triggers by, you know, learning. NLP is very important to understand why people do what we do, the way we do it, what we say, what we say, how it's not about us, how not to take things personal. It just saves a world of problems for us. [00:31:26] Speaker B: Do you think that? Well, two things. How do people learn that and what happens when somebody really is meaning what they're saying. That is really hurtful. [00:31:38] Speaker A: What was your second question? [00:31:40] Speaker B: How do you learn how to do neuro linguistic programming? How is that taught? [00:31:48] Speaker A: There are many sources out there to learn it. There are books on it. I don't believe that it's part of a. I think it should be part of a class in school, but I've never heard of it in college. Unless you're studying psychology, it's not really taught either. So it's pretty much, do we want to learn it when it comes across our hands? It's literally when we're ready to receive it, then perhaps into our. Pretty much fall onto our laps like this conversation right now. A good source is to find a good app or go online and teach yourselves a little bit of NLP so that you can understand that the person who wanted to kill you just for existing was just going through their own pain in life and it had nothing to do with you. That's what NLP teaches us. And yes, there's many, many sources out there to learn it. [00:32:53] Speaker B: Aurelias, you mentioned something in the book that I'd never heard of before, but when you describe it, I was like, oh my gosh, have I ever done that? I hope not to the extent you explained it, but it's called love bombing. Can you talk a little bit about what that is? [00:33:11] Speaker A: Oh yes, let's be careful with that. It's a pray tactic to make sure that you're there, that you're just there, that they're everything for you. It feels like you got everything that you deserve, everything you've always wanted. They shower you with gifts, with beautiful words, with those gorgeous texts in the morning and the evening, all day long. I mean you come to your phone and it's, it's there. It's like from, from the, the top to the bottom, it's, it's like hello, hi, how are you? Heart and all that stuff. Or they leave cards all over the place or just over, just overdoing things. Being overly nice is not nice. So gotta be careful with love bombing. That's what love bombing is. Too much of something, it's no good. [00:34:02] Speaker B: Aren't some people just more expressive or more, I mean it's. But where's the, where's the happy medium? Like how do you know if you're in the midst of that? And why is it bad? [00:34:16] Speaker A: Because the same person who's doing the love bombing is going to do the devaluating. And that's where the problem lies. They will make sure that they, they are taking all that away because they're doing it to get you. They're not doing it because they love you. They don't have that love for themselves yet. They. So this is why they feel that they need to buy you in the beginning. So after that that goes away because this person doesn't really know you. They like you, they like the idea of you, but they really don't love you yet. They haven't gotten the chance to get to know you. And unless someone get to know you that that level, which takes time, then they don't really love you. They just like the idea of you. This is why love bombing is not good. Evaluating is bad. [00:35:06] Speaker B: You also talk about trauma bonding, which is, I feel like, you know, one of your sisters kind of tried to do that with you or maybe your mother tried to. Can you explain what that is? [00:35:22] Speaker A: I was actually very trauma bonded with them. And what it means is it comes from a highly abusive person. It can be sexual, it can be financial, it can be physical, it can be emotional. Once our self esteem gets crippled, it's really, really easy to fall into those praise. That's another prey tactic to get you to please the perpetrator. So now you know, once you get abused, you're relying on this person to. To. To protect you, to provide that love for you. It goes along with love bombing. Now that's in between the value that's in the end of devaluating pretty. Or in between your trauma. Your trauma bonded with that person. You want to let them go, but you can't because you've been relying on them, on all those beautiful things that they were doing or saying to you. With my. With my family, it was words of affirmation because we all have a love language that's coming on another book, Words of affirmation. It's been my love language and of course, touch. I love, you know, to know just by anyone, but by my significant other or people that I love, people that I know. But definitely words of affirmation. And I cling on my sister and my mother for those things because I didn't really have a partner. Yes, I was definitely trauma bonded with them. And that's what it means. [00:36:58] Speaker B: You talk about anger being a positive emotion. I never hear it expressed like that. Oftentimes I think people really are displeased if you are angry or if you feel upset with something. And can you just kind of explain where that sits? [00:37:21] Speaker A: So, yes, anger is definitely a positive emotion. Where the. It tells us what. When we feel angry, there is something in our brain saying something is not right. And it's making. It's making our body do things that it doesn't really want to do because of how your body feels on the inside. Just your nervous system sending you signals saying something is wrong. What's wrong with anger is that if we let it get out of control, it can damage our healthy relationships. People punches, walls, they throw things, they break things, they shout. They, you know, and if you let that, it's okay to do it, it's okay. I'm not saying it's not. All I'm saying is that too much of something is no good. So controlling our anger is necessary. But anger is also necessary for survival. Is our nervous system telling us that something is not so okay to look at our surroundings, right? [00:38:22] Speaker B: Where some people act like you should never get angry. And I was always confused by that. I'm like, wait a minute. [00:38:31] Speaker A: Well, now you can be free knowing that you can be angry sometimes? [00:38:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:38:34] Speaker A: If you want to grab a glass and break it, go for it. Oh, just don't let it get out of control. [00:38:39] Speaker B: I think I'll save my glasses, but. So I want to talk about something that. It was interesting to me. I could just Feel the pain. When you would talk about how it was like your sister and or mother would suck you in and then they would do something terrible for you and ask you for something and of course you'd give in and do that and just many, many, many, many times. And part of that was like that whole setting boundaries and. [00:39:16] Speaker C: Why. [00:39:18] Speaker B: I just wanted to reach in, in the book and pull you up and say, fight back, fight back. [00:39:26] Speaker A: But I learned how to fight back. [00:39:28] Speaker B: Yes, that's true. But I feel like you took so much more than a lot of people I would know. Like, you were so giving. And so how did you learn to set boundaries and how did you learn what the healthy boundaries were? [00:39:45] Speaker A: In 2018, I, you know, I became a successful woman. What they will call successful, quote, unquote. I had my own business. I had, you know, my kids were going to school. They. They were always not properly dressed. They had good grades. Whatever will make you successful. We had our own. We were married. All that stuff that it's the dream, right? [00:40:12] Speaker B: Right. So. [00:40:15] Speaker A: In 2018, I realized that I wasn't as happy as I thought I had been. And I was wondering why that was. Because I had everything that the world said you should have. So why do I feel like the, the. The wear of the world is on my shoulder? So I close it. I close the business. And I took some time for myself and I started looking on the insights. When I started reading about personality, personal, my apologies, personality disorders and mental illnesses and remembering my studies back home when I was going to school, you know, for to learn these things. And I was like, wow, I'm surrounded by it. This is why I'm not happy. I need to start doing something about this. So I remember I called a therapist that day and I left a voicemail. And when she called me back, I said, I just realized I was raised by a narcissistic mother and she took half my heart and I want it back. That's when I started setting boundaries. [00:41:18] Speaker B: Do you feel sometimes like, you know, you talk about, I had everything and yet I wasn't happy. Do you think people get used to that drama and trauma? Like, they get so used to it, then if they can leave it, so to speak, or if it's gone, they don't know what to do. Like, what do you fill it with? [00:41:39] Speaker A: They're trauma bonded. This is why healing is so necessary. We need to heal that inner child. They understand. Why is trauma bonded with people who does things the way they do, things that make us feel uncomfortable and we end up staying or talking things under the wrong. I mean, at some point it's going to have to get lifted. Yeah, you're going to have to talk about it. It's important to speak about it before it's under the rug. I guess for me it was just a gift. I've been able to do that since I was. Since I was little. Not to my family members, but to my significant other for sure. Being able to speak how I feel. They haven't liked it, but I wasn't doing it for them. I was doing it for me. [00:42:31] Speaker B: You have a chapter called Understanding the Signs. Can you elaborate a little bit on that? [00:42:38] Speaker A: Yeah. For the same reason we get so busy in life. We're, you know, we're going, going, going, going, going, and we're not stopping to pay attention. What is that person doing? Why is making us feel that way? So I'm trying to bring awareness to what are your personal triggers? I want to tap into some, into whomever grabs this book. Personal triggers. I'm speaking to everyone. This is why it's so universal. And so this is why I want people to know the signs. What is it bother you? What is it that triggers you? And if it does, you need to have those conversations with that person. If they receive it, fine. If they don't, then you need to stay away until they find the way. They understand that you are talking something that means something to you. [00:43:30] Speaker B: I always think everyone has a breaking point where, you know, you, you tolerated so much, probably more than I would, but. But everyone's. [00:43:44] Speaker A: I've heard that a lot. [00:43:45] Speaker B: Everyone's so different. And I feel like there's that breaking point where you say, all right, I have finally really had enough. And you are able to have the strength to do what you need to do. And I'm not sure if you have an incident that happens with your hair. [00:44:07] Speaker A: Yeah, that wasn't it. I think I kicked around some more. [00:44:12] Speaker B: I always felt like that maybe would have been the start. [00:44:14] Speaker A: No, that. [00:44:16] Speaker B: What was your breaking point? [00:44:19] Speaker A: You know, during my hair thing, I was still very lying, just making jokes like my hair is the hair now. [00:44:25] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:44:25] Speaker A: With her just being light. Those are some of the things. I left that out of the book. So anyways, my breaking point was in 2021 when I'm in my home, it's about 5:30 in the afternoon. I'm getting ready to prepare dinner. And because I'm such a people pleaser, not just the people, my mother or this one, that, well, I'm just a people pleaser and my mother Know that I know that I would do as she asked. So she called me and asked me to bring her vitamins. I didn't want to go there that evening because I felt like the air is getting a little thick. And you kind of me, I just feel when things. When the energy is kind of changing, right? And the energy was changing, it had been changing for weeks. And I didn't want to go there, that I didn't want to go there, period. But my mother asked me for vitamins. So the answer is absolutely. So I got in my car, I went to bought her vitamins, and I went over to her house to bring her vitamins. When I'm there, I get very confused. My sister's husband looks at my mother and the three of them are looking at each other. And my mother hands the vitamins that I brought for her to my sister's husband. And I'm like, well, this is really strange. And she's giving it to him for validation, whether it's good or not. And he says to her, but you already have something like that. Now I'm extra confused. So in my head is okay, so if you need him to validate something that I bring you, why don't you just ask him to do it for you? And if you already have something that you already have something like this, what did you call me? The brand new something you already have. So when I noticed that I was there being blindsided with the past, they brought me there to set me up. I got literally blindsided with the past. That night at their house after I left, I called my then boyfriend. And I knew that day I was never going to see them again, because I wasn't. And I said that to my mother when I finally talked to her, I said, you'll never see me again. And it's been over four. It's been about four years now. And I'm not even counting. I don't even care how long it's been. [00:46:44] Speaker B: Wow. [00:46:46] Speaker A: That was my breaking point. When I noticed the malice. When I noticed the malice in the denial. And just if you brought me here, at least on it. [00:46:56] Speaker B: Yeah, you know, what did you get personally from writing a book like this? What do you feel it gave you? [00:47:08] Speaker A: It gave me the freedom I felt that I never had to say, speak my truth without caring who. Who wants to talk or not to me. Because perhaps if they're doing that to me, I should be the one that wanted to talk to them. So it gives me the freedom of understanding that it's okay that those things happen. And it gives me the understanding that with that material my vulnerability is going to bring a lot of people to closure and that can bring a lot of happiness into their life. That's what that book has done for me. [00:47:42] Speaker B: Aria, Lise, I want to ask about the healing exercises because you have a whole chapter on that. Can you give a little bit of insight to people who are maybe just looking for just one or two things they should start doing? [00:47:55] Speaker A: Sure. One thing for sure is a journal and a pen or a pen or. [00:48:01] Speaker C: Pencil. [00:48:04] Speaker A: And keep it next to your bed because sometimes thoughts come and go and we don't take the time to write them down. So what that healing exercise itself does, it gets rid of pent up negative energy that don't belong there. And then when we put things into words, especially if we're using our hands, it creates a neural pathway that in turn over time, it can create some healing. That's one for sure. Write down every single thought and make sure you're using your hands on a paper, on a notebook. Keep it next to your bed, carry it with you, write it all down. It's very important to do so. Another really, really good one I love is going in nature and give a tree a hug. Either tree, it doesn't matter what, they hug you right back and if you talk to them, they'll talk right back to you. [00:49:03] Speaker B: Yeah, you have a whole chapter on these different things. And I thought especially towards the end it was very interesting that just talk about kind of the setting, the boundaries and seeing signs of things that aren't right and healing exercises and how valuable do you think it is to write if you feel like a person and you have not seen eye to eye to write them like a letter explaining your part and how and your apology if there was anything you had to do with it. Is letter writing and sending to them valuable? [00:49:47] Speaker A: Yes, if that's how you feel. It's a personal thing if to forgive. We don't even have to tell people, I forgive you or can you forgive me? Forgiveness is an inside job. It's something we do for ourselves and then we start speaking that way and it's noticed. I don't believe that. I do appreciate apologies, but I do appreciate being proactive a lot more than apologies. So I'm big on. And the second I make a mistake, I'm the first not to say oh, I am so sorry for if my actions or know I'm the first one who to do that. But I have never requested or wanted an apology from anyone and I Not sent letters to anyone asking for one either. So I is not part of a healing exercise that I have used. So I'm not sure how to answer that one for you. I think it would have to be an inside job. [00:50:47] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:50:47] Speaker A: If that's how you know how. How each individual feels, I believe so. [00:50:53] Speaker B: When will the book be edited and out? [00:50:59] Speaker A: What was the question? [00:51:01] Speaker B: When will the book be out? [00:51:04] Speaker A: The book is already out. [00:51:05] Speaker B: It's out right now. How can people get it? [00:51:08] Speaker A: The book is available on Amazon.com it's available bars barnesandnoble.com it's also available on earliest calkins.com earliest calkins.com is not just a website for a book or many others that are coming. It's a home and family website where I share my recipes, my interior design in the home decorating. I share my reiki experiences, how I do things at home. And yeah, you just get the taken inside of who I am. [00:51:45] Speaker B: Do you know, I feel like there's so many people that they are afraid, which is how you were. They're afraid to lose the love of the person that they depend on or. Or need that love from, or want that love from that they don't do what they feel like they should be doing for themselves or they don't help things mend. What do you say to them? Like, what advice would you give to the person who is in the place where you were and looking to get out? [00:52:22] Speaker A: You can't pour from an empty cup. You have to make sure that your love tank is filled in a cup. Love is something that comes from inside. We love ourselves first and then we find others to love us. It's because we love ourselves that much. And the ones who get upset because you're trying to speak your truth, those people are not supposed to be in your life. You are the one who should want them out until they go find a way to fix themselves, which takes time. Everybody has that job ahead of them. [00:53:01] Speaker B: Yeah, that's a really difficult time. [00:53:04] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:53:05] Speaker B: Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate you being on the show. And is there any final things you'd like to leave us with? [00:53:17] Speaker A: Yes, absolutely. I hope you all go on arliescott.com and enjoy everything that I am about. I wanted to be a ghostwriter, but our team said absolutely not. So now you get to see the entire me. [00:53:32] Speaker B: You wanted to be a ghost? And why did you want to do that? [00:53:36] Speaker A: Because I didn't have a voice. And although I was trying to help humanity with this material because I got out of the gutters and I wanted everyone who is in the gutters to get out of there because I know how it feels. I wanted to stay quiet, not quiet, but I didn't want anybody to know that it was me who wrote that book. [00:53:58] Speaker B: And so what kind of now that people do know is the people that are close to you. What were their comments like? What did they say? Did they think you ever had it in you? What? What did they say? [00:54:09] Speaker A: Yes. Yeah. I was the only one who didn't see it. Yes. [00:54:15] Speaker B: Well, congratulations. It is a very big feat to accomplish writing a book and I, I feel like I admire anybody who can do it because I think it's easy to get stuck going round and round and round. [00:54:33] Speaker A: It can get easy, yes, absolutely. But with the help of our creator. And yeah, time was amazing and my husband helped tremendously. I am very blessed to have him. So it happened. [00:54:49] Speaker B: Well, thank you again, Aurelis. I appreciate you coming on. [00:54:53] Speaker A: You're so welcome. [00:54:54] Speaker B: You take care and let me know when you get your next book. [00:54:57] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:54:57] Speaker C: Will do. [00:54:58] Speaker A: Thank you so much. Sam. [00:55:01] Speaker B: I want to remind you that this Thursday will be Waymo, the Self Driving Cabs. If you have questions about you'd like me to ask them, you may submit them to disabilityandprogressamjasmin.com that's disabilityandprogressamjasmin.Com you can also do that to be on our email list and we will gladly put you on so you can receive weekly information of what's coming up on disability.com or disability in progress. This has been Disability in Progress. The views expressed on this show are not necessarily those of KFEI or its board of directors. My name is Sam. I'm the host and producer of this show. Charlene Dahl is my research PR person. Erin is my podcaster. We were speaking about about rising above adversity, healing and nurturing your inner child by Aurelis kelkins. This is KFAI 90.3 FM, Minneapolis and KFEI.org disabilityandprogressamjasmin.com is where you can send any emails. Thanks so much for listening. Take care everyone. [00:56:14] Speaker A: Sam.